Love Guru bhOndOO


How do you find out if you are in love? Consult bhOndOO, the love guru.

You can find all the previous articles by bhOndOO here.


This is how bhOndOO defines love. You are in Love:

– when your first thought in the morning is not that of your advisor, but of her.

– when you walk on the road and start noticing pairs of birds rather than worrying about them pooping on you.

– when you are sitting alone in your hostel room, although impossible, you feel that she would knock at the door.

– when you avoid calling your friends on mobile because you are expecting a call from her and she should not receive an engaged tone.

– when you miss a lecture to have a coffee with her.

– when the first thing you notice when you reach the department is her bicycle.

– when on her birthday, you gift her something that she casually talked about almost 11 months back.

– when you try to postpone the meeting with your advisor because you have to meet her.

– when asleep, you dream of her getting married to Gullu.

– when Dijkstra’s shortest path algorithm starts outputting the path from your hostel to the department via her hostel.


See bhOndOO in action on Valentine’s Day, where he demonstrates ‘practical applications’.


bhOndOO enters the premises of CS department and heads straight for his lab. Today, he walks rather fast and doesn’t look anywhere else, especially towards Shami’s lab. Today is Valentine’s day and he has a right to be nervous. He wants to tell Shami what she means to him but like any geek, he could never muster enough courage.

He sits on the chair in his lab and switches on his PC. Like any geek, he should open his mailbox first. But today, even his advisor’s mails don’t mean anything to him. He just fiddles with the mouse, adjusts the speakers, fiddles with the mouse again and then switches off the PC.

He thinks and thinks and thinks. Nothing! Nothing comes to his mind. He is numb, dumb and slow. It is as if his 64-bit processor has been replaced with an 8-bit 8085 processor.


“Hey bhOndOO, are you there? Good morning”, he hears Gullu’s voice.


He gets up and looks over the partition. Gullu is waving with a gift wrapped in pink paper in his hands. He never wishes me good morning, bhOndOO thinks and all of a sudden, his 8-bit processor works like magic to give him the answer. Gullu had waved at him only to show the gift to him, definitely meant for Shami.

This is it. bhOndOO decides to go to his closest friend, philosopher and guru. He goes straight to BenJi’s lab.


“Guruji, mujhe bachao! Yeh shishya aapke sharan me aaya hai!”


“Vats bhOndOO, daro mat, apne man ki baat saaf-saaf kaho.”


bhOndOO tells BenJi his troubles.


“Ok, child, I get your problems. The root of problem is your high G.Q. i.e. Geekiness Quotient. And this can’t be done away with because one is born with G.Q.; woh toh bhagwaan ki den hoti hai. Due to high G.Q., you can neither give her a rose nor gift her some smart greeting nor ask her for  coffee. In fact, you cannot even hope to talk to her on your own on Valentine’s day. This is all the fault of your high G.Q.”


“Then what should I do, soothsayer? Please show me the light.”


“Yes, there is a solution. You must write a poem for her and post it anonymously. Post it before noon. If you have it in your destiny, she will come to know that you have written it. Remember NOT to mention your name. It can make the girl come to your cubicle and geeks cannot handle the pressure of such consequences on Valentine’s day. Put the letter in the incoming letter box of the her lab so that it quickly gets delivered to her. One more thing, nobody should see you near the letter box. Don’t ask me why. Reason is limited, faith is not. Keep faith in me. May the almighty bless you!”


bhOndOO bows to BenJi and walks to his cubicle.

He thinks and thinks and thinks. Things start working for him. In a flash of inspiration, he writes few lines and draws a heart around it. Then, he carefully put it in an envelope and writes “To Shami” on it. He looks at the watch. It shows 11:59 a.m. There is only one minute left for noon!

He runs towards the lab’s letter box. It is three passages away. He quickly passes the first two passages and… Wham Bam! He has failed to notice the wet floor in the third passage.

He starts searching for his spectacles. He finds it below the chair but now it has only one glass. He puts on the spectacles and looks at the watch. It shows 12:01 a.m. Listless, he starts searching for the envelope.

He never finds it.

Somebody else does.

It has flown over the balcony and landed in front of the classroom in the floor below. Shami, having just slept through the class, comes out of the hall and sees a letter lying on the ground and a glass beside it. She picks the glass and the letter. To her surprise, she finds that the letter is addressed to her. It reads as follows:


bhOndOO's Poem
bhOndOO’s Poem


She hears footsteps. She quickly hides the letter in her notebook.


“H.. hi…, did you find a let… no, no.. a glass?”


bhOndOO is standing in the corner with one-glass-spectacles.


“Oh, yes, here it is, d.. d.. dear!”


Shami gives him the glass and tightens the grip on her notebook.


bhOndOO ponders over why she said ‘dear’ but soon forgets it. This is one of the many phrases that girls have a habit of saying.

It was not the case, at least not in Shami’s case.

bhOndOO never found the letter. Someone else had found it. As BenJi had said, if you have it in your destiny, she will know that you have written it.


Note: All the stories published in this series are works of fiction. bhOndOO and the other characters in the stories bear no reference to real individuals.

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