Disclaimer: This article is purely a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. The author does not endorse or condone any of the actions or statements depicted in the article.
Hello hello and welcome to IIT Madras! Congratulations on making it to the NIRF 1 engineering college in India. If you’re not a trust fund baby and are looking to spend an ungodly amount of money on clubs (which will undoubtedly be reimbursed) and treats, here’s a guide to saving up for the future.
Note: Some of these may be unlawful, so proceed with caution if you have an interest in student governance.
Monkey Chaser
Now exceeding the numbers of humans on campus, the monkeys are back more aggressive than ever as students have begun to foresee a potential ‘Planet of the Apes’ scenario unfolding. Hostellers who have lost oranges, underwear, laptops, and other precious items, are highly likely to seek personal help to complete routine tasks such as picking delivery, going to the washroom, enjoying the afternoon sun before the thought of impending unemployment sets in, and so on. Bring your own sticks, or don’t; it is noticed that the primates have grown to be resistant; probably from all that Sting they have taken.
Birthday Planner
Organising birthday parties involves creating groups of people, forming a cult, arranging them in the middle of the night in a remote location, drawing a pentagram, and dancing around a fire in frenzied chanting (howls, screams, and hysterical laughter also do the job) to celebrate another year without succumbing to academic pressure. The job also entails purchasing items such as cake, snow spray, eggs, oil, dish soap, and other insti birthday party essentials; the goal is to litter as much as possible. The more hazardous it is to wildlife, the better. Remuneration would be directly proportional to the amount of nuisance created and the mess you leave the place in.
PA for POR Gods
In awe at how that one senior has 32 PoRs, a healthy sleep schedule, a thriving social life, and good grades? First things first, they don’t. Perhaps it is possible with brownies (not from Usha). This is when you come through as a Personal Assistant. As a PA you would be expected to provide mental stability, keep an eye out for potential morbid thoughts, send reminders to drink water, and maybe even help out with God-knows-whatever-happens-behind-groupchats-with-dubious-names. Remuneration is highly unlikely; however, you can try your luck scamming these sleep-deprived souls for food.
Cycle Retail
Out of all the ideas this one is actually worth some money. Cycles are the most easily accessible resources in insti to monetise. Why let them rust and corrode when you can make money out of it?
pro tip: preferably cycles that are not being used by someone else; but if you’re sneaky enough, no worries. With some additional support, you could even transform this into a booming business that could save you in case you don’t get placed.
Insti cupid/makeout spot manager
Salty about being single in a campus filled with couples? Turn your misery into money by exploiting young lovers. Discover new makeout spots and engage in conversations with the security guard while they have their main character moment. Apart from monetary benefits and gratitude you also get to live vicariously through others which might help you resolve your bitterness to PDA.
Ghostwriter
Highly in demand among those unfortunate souls who picked HS courses for the S grade, only to be knocked out by the ‘term paper’. This is the perfect opportunity to capitalise off of literary ineptitude. Utilise your skills in writing for something other than verbose confessions to your mess crush.
Start an OnlyFawns
Fairly self-explanatory.
Supplier of Goods
Edibles are essential for students. However, most students are either busy with work or too comfortable in their rooms to go out and buy things. Become a procurer of goods, and help young minds thrive amidst academic pressure. You can always charge extra for the Coke, and other soft drinks, as they are body fuel for the majority of the populace here, and the increase in price will not necessarily reduce the demand. (For more economically informed decisions, the author recommends you choose HS1050- Principles of Economics as your first elective) Remuneration will depend on how desperate your customer is.
If nothing works out you can always choose the way of the ape, abandoning acads, clothes, and self-consciousness to settle down atop Usha; free food, property, and no deadlines– not that bad of a proposition to be honest. All the life skills classes you attended will now prove to be useful as…
Anna Biju Thomas
