Design by Abhiram Pavithran O
Edited by Mahima Raut and Anna Dominic
(This interview was conducted in English with as few Insti Lingo words as possible because the reporter is a Grammar Nazi who simply didn’t have the heart to deconstruct this rather simple yet verbose language).
World famous author Prof. Dhana-Dhan, whose previous works include the massive flop-busters “How To Imbibe Life Skills In Uninterested Students”, and “The Practices of a Perfunctory Professor”, has decided to pay no heed to his past failures and embark upon yet another book, titled “How Insti Lingo Conquered the World”. Here’s an interview taken by our star reporter, Ms. Uninterested Umavati, where Prof. Dhana-Dhan spills all the beans about the story behind the language that runs contemporary society, the bizarre “Insti Lingo” of IIT Madras.
Ms. Uninterested (yawning): Good morning. Before we begin, may I ask why you insisted upon holding this interview so early in the morning?
Prof. Dhana-Dhan: You see, I base all my important decisions on pseudo-science, and I believe that the cosmic forces align perfectly at 8 am to provide optimal levels of productivity.
Ms. Uninterested (looking uninterested): Ah, I see. Anyway, let us proceed with the questions. How did Insti Lingo become so widespread?
Prof. Dhana-Dhan: This is a very fascinating socio-cultural-linguistic-psychological-historical study. It all started around the time of the IT Revolution, which is when several IIT-M graduates decided to ditch the country and move to the States, with high hopes of making money in the Silicon Valley. The aim was to send as many students there to take over the IT industry and establish a monopoly. And then, one fine day in the summer of 2010, a hyper enthu freshie member of the E-Cell called Thayirsadham Ramasamy chanced upon an idea: what if the best way to ensure complete dominance was through perpetuating an entirely new language that no one else in the world is aware of? And then it struck him— why look anywhere else when we have our own Insti Lingo?
Ms. Uninterested: Was it a well-known mode of communication within the campus at that point?
Prof. Dhana-Dhan: The lingo evolved when students realised that their brain cells could not comprehend proper sentences anymore. It was commonplace in daily conversation, but it morphed into a full-blown language after Thayirsadham’s master plan. So he and a bunch of other equally enthu kids formed a secret cult that specialize in training Silicon Valley aspirants in skills such as ‘how to infiltrate codes with Insti Lingo’ and ‘how to brainwash Americans into accepting the superiority of our language’. A rather extremist sect also taught lessons involving ninja techniques to murder anybody who found out about this mission (with monkeys being used as dummies). The cult also had a few HS members, who were heavily inspired by the Communist Manifesto’s call for revolution, seeking to destroy American neo-imperialism.
Thayirsadham Ramasamy chanced upon an idea: what if the best way to ensure complete dominance was through perpetuating an entirely new language that no one else in the world is aware of? And then it struck him— why look anywhere else when we have our own Insti Lingo?
Mr. Thayirsadham himself was the first member of the cult to begin carrying out the operation when he found a million-dollar package waala job with Twitter immediately after graduation. When placed in such a high executive position, the mission was all too easy to carry out. He replaced every senior official with a graduate of the cult, and outlawed the use of English because apparently, high ranking officials can do whatever they want. Soon, Insti Lingo started gaining immense popularity amongst the Gen-Z and millennial bunch. And since this demographic rules the Internet (or so they think), every single website and app were quick to change languages. Insti’s E-Cell Twitter page gained 1 billion followers, because they got official access to circulate the Insti Lingo Dictionary and Rulebook (rendering the Oxford dictionary obsolete).
Soon, Insti Lingo started gaining immense popularity amongst the Gen-Z and millennial bunch… they (Insti’s E-Cell) got official access to circulate the Insti Lingo Dictionary and Rulebook (rendering the Oxford dictionary obsolete).
Ms. Uninterested: Was there no opposition to such a revolution?
Prof. Dhana-Dhan (chuckling): Lady, you underestimate the strength of Indian engineering graduates who want to make money. The Ivy Leagues wish they were as creative as our lot. Of course, there was initial opposition from older puritans of the English language, but they were squashed by the collective cry of “ok boomer”. Soon, in a desperate attempt to reconnect with their children who seemed to be mumbling incomprehensible gibberish, several parents were assimilated into the Insti Lingo Fold. Popular books such as the Harry Potter series began to be translated into the Lingo. JK Brawling protested by claiming that Insti Lingo wasn’t a “valid language”, and she was cancelled by everyone all over again.
Ofcourse, there was initial opposition from older puritans of the English language, but they were squashed by the collective cry of “ok boomer”.
Ms. Uninterested: It’s rather astonishing as to how quickly the language caught on, don’t you think?
Prof. Dhana-Dhan: Not really. Like I mentioned before, people were too tired of stringing long sentences together. Everyone likes shortcuts these days. And look at how versatile the Lingo is! The United Nations has foregone both English and French to make Insti Lingo their official language. Their motto is now “put peace”. Queen Elizanodeath the immortal one) now refuses to address her subjects with any other phrase except “British Junta”. The voting process in Parliaments are now extremely simple- all they have to do is raise a placard that says “+1”. The oath-taking ceremony of the Prime Minister has been renamed as the “Put Intro” procedure. Instead of calling each other comrades, Kim Ding Dong-Un has decreed that the citizens of North Korea will be beheaded if they do not refer to each other as “macha”.
The United Nations has foregone both English and French to make Insti Lingo their official language. Their motto is now “put peace”.
In fact, the only thing that’s spread faster than the Lingo is the coronavirus. The entire world has collectively taken to Twitter to express their anger at China for “cupping” the covid situation so badly. World leaders are going on news channel interviews and asking their panicked citizens to take lite when asked about public health and the economy. Only New Zealand’s Prime Minister seems to have thulped in terms of handling the crisis. And the American President Donald Dump finally resigned due to massive public pressure after covid deaths reached ten million in the US, by releasing a statement that merely said “Kay, gonna pack”. In way of celebration, Lil Pump released a brand-new single titled “Gult Gang” which hit #1 on the Billboard Top Hundred because people just can’t get enough of the amazing combination of Insti Lingo and mumble rap.
In fact, the only thing that’s spread faster than the Lingo is the coronavirus. The entire world has collectively taken to Twitter to express their anger at China for “cupping” the covid situation so badly.
Ms. Uninterested (not-so-uninterested anymore): So what are Mr. Thayirsadham and his cult doing now?
Prof. Dhana-Dhan: Oh, IIT-M’s administration were so proud of them that they started a whole new Bachelor’s Degree program that trains both moderate and extremist Insti Lingo fanatics, because the job market demands for it these days, and it’s replaced CS to become the most sought-after branch. Mr. Thayirsadham’s net worth is rising exponentially and he’s RGing Jeff Bezoz maxx to become the richest man in the world. In fact, he plans on sending some of these cult members to Mars, to establish the first colony in space that converses solely in the Lingo. If that mission ends up being successful, he will join them to take his rightful position as the “Supreme Stud”.
IIT-M’s administration were so proud of them that they started a whole new Bachelor’s Degree program that trains both moderate and extremist Insti Lingo fanatics, because the job market demands for it these days, and it’s replaced CS to become the most sought-after branch.
Anyway, I’ve given too many details away. To know more about the socio-cultural-linguistic-psychological-historical story behind the Insti Lingo Revolution, be sure to buy my book! The monkeys of IIT-M have given it very good reviews. I’ll also be appearing on Koffee with Karan to spill some tea about the intimate details behind some of the training techniques employed by the cult members. Have a good day, and don’t forget to attend your 8 AM classes.
Ms. Uninterested: Thank you for your time, Sir, although I seriously doubt this book will fare any better in comparison to your other…uh…projects! (mumbling to herself): So this all started because of an enthu freshie, huh? I wonder if Mr. Thayirsadham is single.
DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and fully fabricated. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. These stories based on or surrounding or about these people or figures are almost entirely fiction and are intended as satire and entertainment. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items.